Warning: Do Not Take Lysol Internally

Warning: Do Not Take Lysol Internally

Pine-scented Lysol is very likely to corrode your ilocecal valves and is particularly tough on the first 30 feet of the duodenum, to say nothing of the irritating discomfort.

Trevor, my son-in-law who is a medical student at the Armed Forces Medical College in Bethesda, Md., just alerted me that some of the medical advice disseminated by a high-ranking medical expert and epidemiologist in the Washington D.C. area is not sound and not yet verified by the FDA, the RNC, the PTA nor the NRA. Admittedly, Trevor has not graduated from medical school nor is he a billionaire, but in this case, I am trusting his judgement over my own.

“The FDA has not yet approved Clorox, Lysol, Ajax, Tide or Methanol as a remedy or as an internal prophylaxis for Covid-19,” he says; these are his exact words. All these off-the-shelf cleaning supplies warrant further testing.

Now then, if I can have your attention for just a second, put down the pickle ball racquet, the wood chisel, the banjo, the short-wave transmitter, the Bombay gin, the Harvard Law Review and the Navy Achievement Medal(s) and pay close attention. This could very well save your life.
Before you mistakenly gargle with Lysol or drink that tall tumbler of hydrogen peroxide or run the ungrounded 110-volt extension cord, with the ultraviolet light attached, down your esophagus, I thought I should warn you that there is some bad advice or misinformation out there emanating from high places. 

Do not allow your usual reverence for venerable public officials to obscure your own common sense, otherwise good judgement or your will to live. A dose of Clorox a day may indeed keep the doctor away but certainly not the coroner or the mortician.

This is not the ideal time to host your funeral. Imagine the embarrassment to your family when they see how few signed your guest book and that you died via a cavalier experiment with unproven remedies and industrial cleaners.

Rarely would I ever ask you to trust me, but this is one time I am making a strong recommendation that you put down the fabric softener, the Raid ant and roach spray, the engine degreaser and the RoundUp and unplug the ultraviolet light.

If I am wrong with these recommendations I apologize. Hopefully forgoing these preventatives will not cost you an infection. Believe it or not, one day you may thank me for this advice. Keep young.

Jeffrey R Smith teaches mathematics at Encinal High School.