Valentine’s Day Love Stories for Geezers

Legendary comedian George Burns said that the day he officially became a geezer was when a beautiful, voluptuous, ambitious young actress invited him to dinner and, “All I could think of was a bowl of soup,” he moaned. It is sad but true that old age and infirmity have a deleterious effect on the libido. Thus, many geezers adopt the attitude of Lord Chesterfield toward libidinous activities. He said, “The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable.”

It is in that spirit that Catskills comics told these Valentine’s Day love stories for geezers.

Gettin’ it on

Irwin and Myrna were spending their 45th Valentine’s Day together, and Myrna wanted to make it special by giving Irwin something that had become only a fond memory, an afternoon of romance, love and passion. 

Irwin went for a walk every day before lunch. When he left for his walk, Myrna bathed, put on her best perfume, fixed her hair beautifully, dolled up her makeup and donned a sheer negligee. She played Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” on the stereo.

She heard Irwin returning. When he walked into the room, she moaned, “Oh Irwin, baby, do you know what ‘it’ means?”

“Yeah!” yelled Irwin. “No freakin’ lunch!”

So late he’s not coming

Howard and Minnie had splurged and luckily scored two seats for a sold-out performance of Hamilton. When the big day came, they were ushered into the theatre and Minnie found herself sitting next to a woman and an empty seat.

As the performance was about to start, Minnie whispered to the woman, “I hope your company gets here soon!”

The woman said matter-of-factly, “That’s my late husband’s seat.”

Minnie said, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” But at intermission, she couldn’t resist saying, “Surely you have family and friends that could have enjoyed that seat.” 

The woman smiled and said, “They’re all at the funeral!”

Sure, blame the horse
A certain U.S. politician, known for being crude, thoughtless and ill-mannered, was visiting Britain with his young wife on Valentine’s Day. The Queen thought it might be nice to celebrate by taking them on a carriage ride through the grounds of Buckingham Palace.

During the ride, the horse suddenly passed gas, loudly and odoriferously. The Queen was mortified as she fanned away the stench. “Oh, I’m so dreadfully sorry,” she lamented.

“Nice one,” laughed the politician. “I thought it was the horse!”

On another level
Moishe and Zelda were widower and widow, and occasionally enjoyed each other’s company by chatting over coffee. One day, Moishe said, “Zelda, I hate getting old! I’m losing my memory and I can’t hear!”

Zelda looked confused, but replied, “You say you want tea and a cold beer? And who’s Zelda?”

 

Wasting away again in Geezerville at satsfats510@yahoo.com.

Editor’s note: True story. Elly, doing dishes in the kitchen, is telling her daughter-in-law a story and is looking for confirmation on one detail from her husband who she has nicknamed “Pepik.” Calling over her shoulder to her husband, sitting not far away, she says, “Pepik!”
“What?” He answers.
“Pepik!” she cries.
“What!?” He answers louder than before.
“Pepikoo!” she calls lovingly.
Clearly exasperated, he answers “WHAT!?”
Shaking her head, Elly responds, “Such a shame. He cannot hear.”