Renaming Landmarks is Not Completed Yet

Renaming Landmarks is Not Completed Yet

San Francisco has 44 renamings planned for near future

San Francisco, always the vanguard of social evolution, is prudently considering renaming 44 schools mistakenly named after a bad batch of flawed humanity. Obvious targets for name changes include all the usual suspects: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Feinstein, Capone, Epstein, Weinstein and Dillinger.

Why some names appear on the “hit list” may well be a mystery to the “un-woke” who attended public schools and are nescient when it comes to American History.

Herbert Hoover has to go. The man completely corked-up the Colorado River stopping the annual migration of Delta Smelt, Rock Bass and Chinese Carp — additionally his almighty vacuum cleaner is linked with hearing loss: too many decibels.

Noah Webster also has to go; his invention, i.e. the dictionary, has traditionally been used as a weapon by referees at Spelling Bees across the country; think of kids like you or me who were eliminated, in front of our mortified parents, on the first round of a Spelling Bee.

Thomas Edison gets the boot because, in addition to electrifying the country, he electrified Topsy the Elephant.

Edison may have given us the incandescent light bulb but now that the LED has arrived, do we have to keep his name on schools?

We do not have schools named after the guy who invented the torch, the candle, or the tanning lamp.

Vasco Balboa’s name also comes down.

Vasco practically invented the Pacific Ocean; it is because of him that we have a West Coast, the Surfing Culture, and elitist, hoity-toity places like Malibu, Carmel and Bay Farm.

Columbus is a no-brainer, but what about Columbia?

Many people think that Columbia derives from the fancy-schmancy clothing company — it does not.

Columbia is a permutation of Columbus; the Columbia River, Columbia Gorge, Columbia University, Columbia Studios, Columbia Records, Columbia Endurance Cream … all gotta go.

And finally, the name United States of America … it’s gotta go!
“America” derives from Amerigo Vespucci … a co-conspirator of you know who: Christopher Columbus.

Vespucci was a cartographer, and without Vespucci’s charts, Columbus never would have discovered the New World unless he stopped to ask for directions.

Purges are never simple; once they get started, they are like affairs: hard to turn off.

Ask Joe Stalin; he was one of histories greatest purgatives yet it took him a lifetime to sort out nearly 20 million deplorables.

Sanitizing history is serious work; it is change and in the absence of real progress, we have change instead.

These canceled figures might have been bigger than life in their day, but now they are just helpless bronze statues up against the Ironton 48-inch Jumbo Pipe Wrench which may soon be trucking up Main Street USA.

As the sultans and sultanas of mediocrity like to say, “If you can’t be a tiger, then at a minimum have the chutzpah to stand on a tiger’s tail.”

Jeffrey R Smith, U.S. Navy, ret. teaches mathematics at Encinal High School.