Exciting Halloween Accessories for Service Zombies in Geezerville

Exciting Halloween Accessories for Service Zombies in Geezerville

Many of us doddering old residents of the mythical Geezerville are now renting service zombies (SZs) for companionship and safety. My new SZ, Casmiro of Mazatlan, is the perfect companion for these Covid 19 imbued times. He’s already dead and virus free, so, unlike my zombie-like geezer friends, I’m not concerned about his health or any danger of contagion for me. He also doesn’t speak; a great improvement over the constant, tedious moaning of my boring, cranky, hypochondriac buddies.

My former SZ, Ricardo of Spain, had to be returned to the rental agency for reconditioning after an unfortunate incident with my SZ control hat. SZ control hats work by playing several excruciating, un listenable tunes if the hat falls off a geezer’s head for whatever reason. Horrific music causes zombies to collapse into a fetal position, or to dig a new grave, thus preventing them from eating an immobilized geezer’s brain.

In my incident, I was staggering and lurching about in joy and eventually passed out after downing three “Old English 40s” to celebrate Kamala Harris’s nomination. The stealthy Ricardo pounced immediately — I still have his teeth marks on my head. Luckily, my SZ control hat worked perfectly.

A 100-db blast of Kanye West’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” followed by the Babymetal’s “Gimme Chocolate” had Ricardo curled into a fetal position from which he refused to unwind. The SZ rental company promptly replaced him with Casmiro, who has state of the art training.

SZ users should be aware that new versions of control hats embrace the latest advances in SZ technology. However, it has been discovered that a Trump MAGA hat may be the best choice for a control hat, regardless of one’s political beliefs. Zombies — to use a recent Trump malapropism — have a “herd mentality.” They are docile and out of feeding mode when in the company of the fellow brain dead, hence their comfort with the 45th president and his followers. Thus, wearing a MAGA hat is another very effective deterrent to zombie attack and a useful new accessory in zombie control.

The most exciting new high-tech Halloween zombie accessory in Geezerville is the “Zombuggy.” The Zombuggy is an environmentally green return to the pre-automobile days of the 19th century, when folks traveled by horse drawn carriages. Zombuggies are modern, comfortable, enclosed wagons propelled by two harnessed zombies. The zombies are controlled by wearing state of the art programmable 5G/GPS virtual reality hologram projector helmets.

When an SZ user requests a Zombuggy, the SZ rental companies prepare it at their zombie corrals and stables. Two husky zombies are harnessed together, fitted with hologram helmets and tethered to a buggy. The helmets are programmed with the passenger’s pickup and destination points. Because zombies mindlessly follow the fellow brain-dead, Go commands are the names of the 45th president or any other right-wing celebrity.
Stop commands are the names of any prominent liberal. For example, when a passenger says “Tucker” the zombie’s hologram helmets display an image of a right-wing television commentator. The zombies will stagger toward him at speeds of up to 15 mph. When a passenger says “Nancy” the zombies will stop dead (pun intended) and cover their ears.

Because Geezerville is a relatively small community; five miles long by two miles wide, Zombuggies have become a very popular means of clean, safe, green transportation. They are also a source of ironic amusement. As an example, I recently saw my grumpy, noisy neighbor’s obituary, and a week later, the old grouch was pulling my Zombuggy!

Another exciting SZ accessory is “Zomguard” There is perhaps no greater home protector and crime deterrent than a big, hungry zombie standing guard. The SZ rental companies equip large Zomguard zombies with bullet and bludgeon-proof holographic control helmets. Surveillance cameras inside the helmets send images to a user’s Smartphone, and sound an alert if an intruder is detected.

If the user selects the “Protect” mode, the Zomguard helmet sounds three warnings; “Zombie attack imminent” If the intruder fails to leave, the Zomguard helmet superimposes a holographic image of a brain over the intruder. The zombie will attack — and the property is secure.

SZ accessories promised for Halloween 2021 are “Zomshop” and “Zombark.” Zomshop is a grocery shopping service utilizing SZs, and Zombark will allow SZs to walk dogs. The aging SZ users of Geezerville are proud to enjoy the latest in zombie technology. We’re eagerly awaiting your inevitable arrival.
Stop the insanity by voting at satsfats510@yahoo.com.

Editor’s note: For the past four Halloweens Gil Michaels has covered the service zombie scene exclusively for the Alameda Sun. See the online archive at alamedasun.com for previous years’ updates.