Elf Labor Shortage Stymies Deliveries

Elf Labor Shortage Stymies Deliveries


Global warming having impact on North Pole traditions

Sources within Santa Claus’s Workshop have reported that the iconic Christmas patriarch is deeply distraught this year over an acute shortage of elf laborers at his North Pole headquarters. They claim that the elf shortage, if not properly addressed, may significantly impact Claus’s ability to deliver gifts on the night of Dec. 24.

According to the sources, the shortage has been created by two factors: the deleterious effects of global warming at the North Pole, and the surprising outcome of the recent presidential election.

The first factor, global warming at the North Pole, has dramatically reduced the polar ice cap. This has resulted in fewer igloos being available for elf housing. As a result, opportunistic landlords in the areas around Santa’s Workshop have raised rents on the remaining igloos as much as 300 percent, forcing many elves to live huddled together in tents for warmth and protection from hungry wolves and polar bears.

To deal with the crisis, St. Nicholas reportedly sent his Chief Operations Officer, Marti Munchkin, to a meeting with the landlords, to negotiate a rental rate cap and possible price reductions. 
The landlords rebuffed Santa and Munchkin, labeling them obstructionists, sentimentalists and overly compassionate, anti-business socialists. They responded by raising rents even higher, forcing many elves to abandon their North Pole jobs and return to other occupations. (Outside the holiday season, elves generally work as child actors, puppets, toddler clothing models, bouncy-house testers, jockeys and tricycle repairmen.)

The second factor, which exacerbated the elf shortage, is Kris Kringle’s need to fill more than 140 million stockings with coal this year, due to the outcome of the presidential election.
“Never have we experienced so many bad boys and girls!” said Munchkin. “Especially the 90 million who didn’t bother to vote!” 

The elf crisis worsened, explained Munchkin, because elves dislike associating with anything that symbolizes evil, especially coal. Thus, many of them quit their jobs after hearing of Santa’s massive coal and stocking plans.

A popular and prominent elf, Claus’s former spokesbeing, Quaznor, was particularly miffed about Santa’s desire to deliver so much coal.

“He could use Cheetos Messiah figurines, or Kellyanne Conway bobbleheads instead! Anything but coal! It’s a slap in the face to all us elves,” Quaznor lamented. 

In an attempt to mitigate the crisis, Munchkin and Santa have allegedly begun recruiting fairies, leprechauns and oompa loompas to fill the void left by the departing elves. Using these alternatives may prove problematic for Kringle and company, experts say. Fairies are too ethereal to porter heavy gifts, and tend to be flighty. Leprechauns are notoriously passive-aggressive and temperamental, are skilled only in shoe-making and do not always appear when summoned. As they normally live in tree roots, the dearth of trees in the North Pole would force them to tap the already tight and outrageously over-priced igloo rental market.

St. Nick’s biggest problem may come from attempting to utilize and manage oompa loompas for manufacturing his gifts. Because oompa loompas generally communicate telepathically, their vocabularies are limited to a handful of phrases that rhyme with “Oompa loompa doopity do.” 

They attempt to address human beings in a limited way with odd sounds and gestures, like yodeling, tongue clicking, jumping jacks and moon-walking. Learning the oompa-loompa’s idiosyncratic language techniques may prove difficult for Claus and his production supervisors, further threatening Christmas Eve deliveries.

Quaznor, who was Santa’s Workshop CEO for hundreds of years, pointed out the comforting fact that the famed red-suited, white-bearded “jolly old elf” has weathered many such crises before. 

For example, during Christmas of 1941, right after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, a nervous federal government banned all sleigh flights over the United States. Desperate for a solution, the ever-resourceful Santa went into deep meditation, dematerialized and visited the fifth dimension, otherwise known as the Kingdom of Heaven. He returned with an army of angels, who delivered all his gifts metaphysically. As a result, Christmas Eve 1941 was unusually bright and clear.

Quaznor also noted that Father Christmas may simply choose to forego gift delivery and delegate this difficult, transitional Christmas to the powerful, impersonal and relentless law of the universe. 

There have been many other Christmas times when the cosmic clouds of human stupidity, selfishness and obliviousness were just too intense for the season’s goodness and kindness to penetrate. Most recently, North Pole deliveries slowed down during the years of the Bush Administration, and from all current indicators it looks like Santa may not deliver again until Christmas 2020.

If he chooses to delegate, Quaznor said it is wise to remember that the universe operates by the law of being: “Like begets like” Quaznor framed it more succinctly. “This Christmas Eve, be good little boys and girls. Or else.”



Editor’s note: This article definitely could qualify as fake news. In the literary world this is also known as fiction, creative writing or prose.