Christmas Gift Delivery May Change, Says Santa

Santa-followers throughout the world were thrilled to learn that he and his new chief elf, Quaznor, may soon speak to them from the North Pole via videoconference. A specific time for the event was not disclosed. Similar presentations have been impromptu affairs, as Santa and his staff must wait for a sustained peaceful lull in human race-consciousness before they can descend from the spiritual to the human dimensions. Such lulls have been rare in 2015, but hopes are high that one may occur before Christmas. 

At these conferences, Santa’s dimensional transition is always a spectacular sight. He and his assistants suddenly appear as large, undulating orbs of blue-white light, floating above the dais. All sound magically disappears into what is known metaphysically as “the thunder of silence.” A comfortable warmth pervades the room, and everyone present feels a profound euphoria, and what has been described as a sense of pure love. Some find that any illness they were suffering has vanished. 

Santa slowly materializes into his familiar shape — a plump, white-bearded, jolly-looking man in a bright-red suit. Elves generally take forms that resemble miniature Frank Sinatras wearing gaudy, brightly colored suits and pants. Witnessing it can be life-changing, as it establishes the reality of unseen spiritual realms.

During the videoconference, Santa is expected to discuss the abrupt reassignment of former chief elf Zontar, and the Christmas gift delivery changes that have been made by Zontar’s replacement, Quaznor. 

According to sources within the close-knit elf community, Zontar was reassigned to a nutritional procurement position because of the dramatic decline of dewdrops in the Earth’s rapidly warming climate. (Elves, when materialized, require dewdrops for hydration). 

Zontar, because of his rapport with civilizations on other worlds, is expected to establish alternate supplies of dewdrops. He will also insure that elves have proper amounts of other elfin food necessities like cotton candy, whipped cream and marshmallows. 

Santa is also expected to announce the implementation of new chief elf Quaznor’s dramatic changes in gift delivery, which were mandated because of the prominence of litigation in today’s society. This societal shift resulted in scores of property damage lawsuits against Santa in 2014. 

Sleigh and reindeer flights over urban areas will be sharply curtailed, as hundreds of reindeer-dropping complaints cost Santa thousands of dollars for cleanups, settlements and legal fees.  Quaznor might also implement a plan to eliminate rooftop reindeer-sleigh landings and chimney use for home entry.
Litigants complained that reindeer hoofs and sleigh blades damaged their roofs. A class action lawsuit against Santa is pending.
If the sanctions against rooftop landings and chimney entry are adopted, there are major questions as to how Santa will effect Christmas gift delivery this year.

The sheer volume of gifts and the narrow arrival window on Christmas Eve would preclude the use of any terrestrial delivery service, so it is a safe bet to assume that Santa will use metaphysical means to ensure that all good little girls and boys receive their toys. (Bad little girls and boys will probably receive Donald Trump bobble-heads, or leftover inventory from last year’s Kim Jong Un inflatables, delivered the day after Christmas.)

The metaphysical means may involve telepathic communications from Santa to those families around the world who share the Christmas spirit — which is the love of life expressed in service to others. Such communications from Santa compel generous gift giving and inspire kindred souls to experience the true meaning of Christmas: realizing their own divinity and seeing it in everyone else.

Actually, Santa doesn’t need a videoconference or telepathy to spread his Christmas cheer. It’s already here, in every kind, loving6 and generous heart.