The Alameda Hostesses’ Independence Day Treat

The Alameda Hostesses, a secretive far-right-wing political action group that allegedly conceal their covert activities by posing as cookbook authors, have been ominously quiet since the 2016 election of Donald J. Trump to the U.S. presidency. A recently released “Independence Day 2019 Newsletter” broke the silence, and divulged that the Hostesses are active locally in contributing to the success of a national leader who shares their philosophy of materialism expressed in unfettered capitalism, indifference to others and egotism. 

Before the 2016 presidential election, a Hostess was quoted as saying “Hillary Clinton is the candidate of kindness and compassion and Donald Trump is the candidate of how to pay for it. The Hostesses proudly endorse Donald Trump!” 

The Hostesses are well known for their radical urban improvement concepts, such as the enormous Alameda Point Prison, and the Grand Bay Crossing from highway 880 in Oakland, down Grand Street in Alameda to Grand Avenue and Highway 101 in South San Francisco. According to the newsletter, the recent push for a new transbay BART tunnel has the Hostess’s clandestine lobbyists working around the clock to make the massive prison and Grand Bay Crossing concepts a reality.

Not all the Hostesses’ notions have been successful or well-received, especially their 1970s-era idea to sell the naming rights to local institutions to now-defunct businesses. Alameda High School nearly became “Morris Landy Ford High School,” Alameda Hospital was close to becoming “Mel’s Hospital” and the Park Street Bridge could still be called “Lollapalooza Bridge.” 

Perhaps their most widely scorned idea was the “Little Monetizers” concept, where the rights to schoolchildren’s attire could be sold to local businesses. Parents balked at the thought of seeing their kids strolling to school while emblazoned with slogans like “Kids love Bob’s Burgers!” “Woolworth’s Dinette Rocks!” or “When I’m 21, meet me at the Buckhorn!” 

The newsletter blamed “Alameda’s perennial left-wing, socialist obstructionist cabal” for the Hostesses’ continuing inability to prosper. The newsletter also acknowledged that to date, the only successful Hostess enterprise has been several editions of their 1957 culinary classic Gourmet Secrets of Alameda Hostesses which, critics say, is simply a smokescreen for their political maneuvers.

In announcing yet another edition, the newsletter detailed a new chapter called “Favorite foods of our beloved 45th President.” The chapter contains recipes for several Trump treats, such as bacon-wrapped pork chops on a stick, deep-fried chicken-skin sandwiches, well-done New York steaks drowned in ketchup and a burger customized for Trump called “The Wall Burger.”

The Hostesses call the Wall Burger “A patriotic South of the Border-wall treat for real Americans, perfect for Independence Day.” Remarkably, they included the recipe, free of charge!

 

Seeking independence from corporatocracy at satsfats510@mailstation.com.