‘Official’ Statement from Greene Family on Fourth Parade Hoax

Family intercedes; unable to settle on grandmother’s truthful identity

The Alameda Sun helped our  family come to terms with reality.

Placing light on false claims can bring about much good. Upon reading the letter to the editor “Local secret divulged,” Aug. 1, the Greene family held an intervention with my mother. Sadly, it doesn’t stop with claims of doing legendary television painter Bob Ross’ hair, for many more truths willed out.  

Among others, here are a few revelations: Mom is not a pie- baking champion (never having made a pie, instead she has an account with Marie Callender’s); she was not even once engaged to actor, singer and teen idol Frankie Avalon (immediately stopping one family member’s paternity suit); she was not a two-sport Olympian (a grandchild took this hard as swimming-javelin biathlon dreams faded); she did not win the annual long-distance sled-dog race, the Iditarod (better explaining her wearing sweaters on hot days); and, she did not invent both the car cup holder and waterproof mascara (being distracted in self-driving cars just won’t be as personal to our family anymore).

However, one thing was confirmed as fact. Creating the right time and place to come together and be silly as a family will provide great bonds and memories. This fact remains even if Mom really wasn’t the co-inventor of AstroTurf.  

On behalf of all the Greenes,

David Greene Proud son of world-famous donut mosaic artist Elsa Greene