It may come as a shock to many Island City home chefs, particularly those who cook with the perennial, pedantic perkiness and kitchen confidence of a Rachael Ray, or the droll, deliberate culinary craftsmanship of a Martha Stewart, that many Alamedans find the preparation and/or the consumption of a traditional Thanksgiving turkey feast to be a very stressful, if not traumatic endeavor. Six factors seem to be the prevalent triggers of that trauma: Income, (or a lack thereof) indignation, indigestion, indolence, insecurity and inhibitions.

The following case histories illustrate how some local residents will deal with these trauma triggers during Thanksgiving 2009. In some cases, the names have been changed to protect these folks and their Thankgiving anonimity.

For Pandora Thighripple of Stanton Street, 2009 has been an adventure in the new world of Obamamerica. In a cruel twist of semantic irony, Thighripple was laid off her job with an escort service last April, and has since had to work six jobs in order to afford the new middle-class luxuries of food and shelter. Thighripple currently works part time as a barrista, a bartender, a babysitter, a book store clerk, a blog editor and a bookkeeper. In her thick Bronx accent, Thighripple described the economic logistics of her Thanksgiving celebration 2009.

"First youse got the toikey, then the stuffin', then the potatas, then the gravy, then the cranberries, then that green death stuff with the string beans, mushroom soup and fried onions, then the rolls, pies and the booze. Youse are lookin' at way over $100 for all of that, and I ain't got the scratch this year. This year, my Thanksgiving dinner is a toikey sandwich from Jay's or the Sandwich Board, and a couple of drinks at Z's or the Churchward Pub. That's all I can afford, but I'm thankful for it."

On Benton Street, indignation with family members rather than income issues is the reason for La Bubba LaBarre's Thanksgiving turkey feast traumas. "My family gets together twice a year, on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and there's always big fights. Either mom is mad at dad and my brothers for drinking too much Cuervo and Coors, or the cousins are sniping at each other, or my big mouth sister from Danville starts talking about how much she likes Glenn Beck and starts World War III with my tree-hugging, ultra-liberal Alameda husband. All I do all Thanksgiving day is break up fights. This year, I'm hiring a security guard to keep order and letting him handcuff people to the fridge until they calm down, and thankfully, I can enjoy the holiday."

Indigestion is the reason for Rauel Pause' of Park Avenue's turkey trauma. "Turkey plugs me up like spackle," he said. To avoid turkey, Pause' will defer his Thanksgiving dining until Thanksgiving weekend, when Chef John Thiel of Pappo will present his "Tired Of Turkey Dinners." Saturday, Nov. 28, Pappo features a "Taste of Tunisia," and Sunday, Nov. 29, Thiel will present a Goodfellas classic Italian- American family dinner. Pause' will attend both events, and thankfully celebrate a turkey-free Thanksgiving. Indolence is why Aldavia Parodi dines out on Thanksgiving every year. "I hate to cook Thanksgiving dinner," she said. "Every utensil, pot, pan, bowl and dish in the house is dirty, there's turkey fat everywhere, it takes hours to clean up, then you have to make sandwiches, tetrazzini and soup to use up all the leftover bird. Forget it!"

This year Parodi and her family plan to enjoy Chef Rudy Duran of C'era Una Volta's "Thanksgiving Cornucopia," which features individually plated or family style feasts of antipasto, gnocchi, ravioli, roast turkey, lamb stew with polenta, roast beef, eggplant parmesan, and a variety of traditional sides prepared in Duran's Tuscan style. "When it comes to big Thanksgiving dinners, let the professionals do it," Parodi said. "Thank goodness for nice restaurants like C'era Una Volta and Pier 29 that offer good, affordable Thanksgiving dinners in pleasant dining rooms."

Insecurity is the reason why Kyle Ortson of Grand Street is considering ordering an entire roast pig and a big variety of sides from Khanh Huong Chinese barbecue.

"During the holidays, I invite a lot of people over, and I never know how many are going to show up," said Ortson. "Most of my friends are burned out on turkey, and since Khanh Huong makes great, authentic, Chinese style roast pork, I think that a whole roast pig and some sides of rice and vegetable dishes would make for a really memorable Thanksgiving feast. I'm very thankful that a Chinatown- style restaurant like Khanh Huong, with great service, has opened in my neighborhood."

Inhibition is the reason why Cuthbert Mooncalf of Minturn Street elected to attend Baron's Meats and Poultry proprietor David Samiljan's recent Thanksgiving turkey dinner preparation seminar at the legendary Weezie Mott Cooking School. In 2008, Mooncalf had prepared the worst Thanksgiving meal of his lifetime, utilizing one of the "Just Heat And Serve" dinners from a local supermarket. Mooncalf described the meal thusly: "There was sogginess where crispness was vital, there was dryness where juiciness was essential, there was blandness where savoriness was mandatory, and there was crispness where softness was imperative. My guests were horrified, and I was humiliated, especially when a guest left to go buy some burgers. It was a disaster, and now I'm too intimidated to ever cook a turkey dinner again."

After this calamity, Mooncalf reached out to Mott and Samiljan for culinary redemption. At the class, he learned how to brine a turkey, make stock, roast giblets, and how to make a savory roux-based gravy. Samiljan also demonstrated the preparations of a traditional sausage stuffing, and a delicious Brussels sprouts casserole, with pancetta, Parmesan cheese, breadcrumbs and heavy cream.

At this class, Mooncalf learned that the cure, not the palliative, for his Thanksgiving turkey trauma was the usual litany for all culinary success: Good ingredients, good gear, good techniques, good recipes and good flavors, textures and presentations.

And if that's not possible, simply trust your Thanksgiving dinner to the professionals.

I'll just have me some dessert at