During the recent dust-up about Prop. 8 and the anti-bullying curriculum in Alameda schools, much was said about something called the "Homosexual Agenda." I hadn't heard about it and began to worry whether I had somehow missed the memo.

What if some gay Dick Cheney (hey, it could happen!) was pulling the strings behind the scenes and I hadn't been told? With Gay Pride Month here, I needed to find out fast.

I went straight to the most authoritative source I knew — Wikipedia. Turns out that "gay agenda" was a term coined by the conservative Family Research Council in 1992. How could they have known about it when I hadn't?

I went to an even more reliable source — Conservapedia, "The Trustworthy Encyclopedia" — and found out that the part of the Homosexual Agenda aimed at converting all Americans into homosexuals would result in a loss of population through lack of procreation, making the U.S. more vulnerable to attack by our enemies.

First I'd heard that we were trying to take over foreign affairs.

But asking the Christian Right about the gay agenda is like asking Nancy Pelosi to explain the GOP platform, so I decided to try a different strategy. I figured I could find the answer on one of the Web sites of the organizations to which I belong — the American Civil Liberties Union, the Human Rights Campaign and the Friends of the Alameda Free Library.

The ACLU said it wants to "extend rights to segments of our population that have traditionally been denied their rights, including people of color; women; lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people; prisoners; and people with disabilities." HRC said it "strives to end discrimination against LGBT citizens and realize a nation that achieves fundamental fairness and equality for all." Subversive to be sure, but hardly the stuff of revolution.

Ironically, it was the Alameda Library that led me to my final discovery. Frustrated at my inability to find what I needed on the Internet, I decided to take it up a technological notch and see if I could find it in a book. Masking my true intent, I asked the librarian where to find books on simply "the revolution," figuring the guide to the gay one would be hidden somewhere on the shelf.

And there, sure enough, I found it. In one of the books on the American Revolution was a full-color picture of what had to be the gayest group of guys I'd seen in a while. They were wearing wigs, tights and patent leather shoes — with buckles. There wasn't a female in sight. And they all went by their full names — Thomas, Richard, Harrisson. Not a regular Tom, Dick or Harry in the bunch. How gay is that?

The document they had signed was a DaVinci Code for deviates: "All men are created equal," it said, oddly excluding lesbians. "They are endowed(!) by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."

That was it! Homosexuals want to go to school, get a job, marry, buy a house and file joint federal tax returns just like everybody else. When they die, they want their spouses to inherit their homes without paying taxes. They want the more than one thousand federal rights currently available only to heterosexuals.

How revolutionary!

Homosexuals want the right to live boring, conventional, middle class lives, taking out the garbage and walking the dog. Who would have guessed?

I was giddy with discovery. How deliciously devious — how cunningly conspiratorial — to hide the Homosexual Agenda in a dusty old document that nobody reads any more. The only safer place to hide it would be within the Bill of Rights.

I ran home and rummaged through my jewelry box. There, among the earrings, tiaras and body piercings, was a tiny American flag pin with the gay rainbow substituted for the red, white and blue. I'd bought it years ago at the Castro Street Fair. The homosexual takeover of the country had begun and I didn't even know it.

So straight people, beware. It's no coincidence that Gay Pride month ends just days before 233rd anniversary of the last American Revolution.

That's the day we take over. By the end of October, you'll all be dressing up in gaudy costumes and enticing children with gifts of candy. By December, you'll be donning your gay apparel, putting fairy lights in your shrubs and shopping 'til you drop. The Homosexual Agenda will be have been achieved.

Allan Mann is an Island City resident.